


No more despair and loneliness

by molnistr



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24577171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molnistr/pseuds/molnistr
Summary: Now 24 years old, Mikasa visits Jean and they both open up about their feelings for each other under a clear starry sky.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 7
Kudos: 91





	No more despair and loneliness

Mikasa and Jean sat side by side in silence. 

Jean’s house smelled like freshly washed laundry, at least that’s what Mikasa would always say every time she visited him.  
She’s been visiting him often ever since she returned after spending some time with Kiyomi overseas. Being on her own for 2 years was really beneficial, specially after all the hardships she had been through. She needed that secluded time away to think over her emotions and sort out her thoughts. However, she missed seeing her friends. Her heart is already aching at the thought of not being able to see Armin for a long time to come, for he is too busy discovering the world all by himself. 

“Will the smell of laundry ever fade away if I spend more time here ?” she wondered. She had been here yesterday and the day before as well, nevertheless the smell of Jean’s house would bring her much needed comfort that she never wanted to be too familiar with it, considering how that smell would eventually fade away if she ever got too accustomed to it.

The silence between them wasn’t awkward on the contrary it was comforting. Mikasa hesitated a few seconds before saying “I feel safe here.”

Jean looked at her with utter surprise. He directed his gaze at his feet, trying to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks. Mikasa’s face was just as red though.  
Alarmed by his silence, she continued “With you.”

This time he looked her in the eyes, they both appeared to be nervous at this point not knowing where the conversation was heading.  
In a soft voice that was barely audible, Jean said “I like it … that you’re visiting me as often lately”.

Mikasa’s face grew more red as her blush spread, she felt her cheeks were on fire as if she would explode. She felt her fingers moving towards her neck reaching for that red scarf that was long gone, she can no longer hide her face - her emotions- beneath it as she used to. As a response, she brought her hand closer to his waiting for his next move.  
Without looking at it, Jean took Mikasa’s hand in his and held it softly. 

They were now holding hands in silence. “You’re not 15 anymore” Mikasa told herself, “Chill”. She wasn’t acquainted with this feeling before. War, losses and heart turmoils had made her approach these moments awkwardly.

Then her thoughts went to Eren, “Would he be okay with this ?” She wondered.

Not a day goes by without Mikasa thinking about him. After all, he was her family, her first love, her first fascination, her goal and at some point in time her reason to live. She felt ashamed for falling for someone new, but came to the conclusion that it was a part of the process of grieving and moving on. The emptiness Eren left behind might be filled, the wound that only time can heal. She stopped feeling guilty about it, "Eren would want me to be happy too” she told herself every time she passed Jean’s door, “Eren would understand”. 

She closed her eyes to will the insecurities and doubts away, opening them again after a brief moment. 

Jean was still seated right next to her and she couldn’t help but think about his features, how much she loves his hair, its color and smoothness and the shape of his nose, its sharpness contrasting with the softness of his soul. How she admires his kindness, albeit not apparent for all, and loyalty. How she couldn’t bear the wait till they meet again every time she left him when the day neared its end.  
Mikasa felt safe with him, she felt as if she belonged somewhere again. She had always been scared of losing her loved ones again not after her family not after Eren. But when Jean is around, she feels no fear, as if all those fears were nonexistent . “We already went through so much” she thought.

Her face was now facing his, a few inches away before she remarked “You didn’t say anything yet.”

Jean knew what to say, it is there about to roll off his tongue, it has always been Mikasa and no one else. He just didn’t know if he could allow himself to confess, if he could give them the chance to live this beautiful story that he had always been dreaming of. 

He hesitated a few seconds before saying, “I feel safe with you too.” He continued “Actually, every time you left I selfishly wanted to tell you to stay a bit longer.” 

Mikasa’s heart was beating so fast, however it wasn’t the same rhythm her heartbeats sped up when she was facing death straight ahead or when she rushed into battle or when she clenched that knife before her first kill. No, it wasn’t like that day Eren told her that he would wrap that scarf, long gone now, around her neck as many times as he needs to or when he asked her long ago “What am I to you”. This was different a new hope another chance at life. Their hands were still intertwined with neither of them willing to let go, as if that was their one and only string leading to effortless happiness.

“Do you want me to stay a bit longer today ?” she asked nervously.

“Only if you want it too”, came the reply.

As a response, Mikasa smiled at him and nodded. 

All of a sudden, Jean stood up dropping her hand in the process, stuttering “I- I actually wanted to ask you if you minded staying for the night as well, we could go for a walk a- and, you know, the stars look beautiful when you lie down in the field.”

Mikasa took his hand in hers again thanking him for the invitation, “I would really enjoy that, thank you.”

Jean was about to speak when she interrupted him, “Thank you for all these years, and I’m already grateful for all the upcoming ones that I’ll spend by your side, I… I think you’re a wonderful person, Jean.”

She had to let it out in the open for him to see and to understand the turmoil of feelings burning in her heart after all the hardships they had been through side by side. With him there all along watching over as she cared for and looked after Eren always overlooking his well-hidden attention.

They stopped talking. No more words were needed. No further conversations to partake. They knew what one another was thinking and they went back to comfortably sharing silence again. 

That night, Mikasa stayed for the first time. It was as if exploring a chamber in her heart she never dared to enter before, that was her feeling for Jean. 

They made dinner together, it wasn’t like the numerous dinners they had prepared together for their squad members when they happened to share that duty together. This time while watching Jean pack up what food they had prepared for the evening, she saw him in a new light one she felt accustomed to see him in lately. His kindness and care shone through the small details that went into his work. There was also a slight energy to his movement as if not only her heart but his is beating fast for this moment, he must be excited for that evening as well.

They have decided to go outside to watch the clear starry sky that evening as he had proposed for her to do. The stars were shinning brightly that evening as if trying to deliver a message that the ancient light reaching their sight is carrying. She had heard once from Armin how the light they see from the stars is actually a light that started its journey from the said star a very long time ago. When that thought suddenly appeared in her head, she remembered that day before the expedition to the basement with the three of them watching the starry sky.

They lied down side by side gazing up at the clear sky, Mikasa felt like she could stay there forever. The starry clear skies calmed her heart’s turmoil. She was aware of Jean’s presence by her side, “has it always been like that?” She thought. Him being by her side caring for her while she looked somewhere else.

Jean broke the silence, “Can I ask you something ?”. Mikasa nodded. “Do… Do you still think about Eren a lot ?” He asked.

Mikasa was surprised by his question, although deep down she knew there would come a time to talk about this. She had been thinking about Eren a lot today in accordance to what his thoughts would’ve been about her feelings towards Jean. The pattern of her thoughts towards Eren had evolved over the long time that had passed after he was gone.

“I think about him a lot” she replied, “I’m sad he couldn’t get to see all the things we’re seeing now, I’m sad he will never get to hear Armin’s stories when he returns…”

Yes that’s how it have been now, that’s the pattern her thoughts follow deep agony over his lack of presence to witness the change with them, to share Armin’s trips.

She took a long pause then continued, “but life has to go on and I was strong enough to keep fighting and lead a normal life after he was gone”. The memory of Eren telling her to keep fighting emerged in her thoughts. “And I believe that’s what he would have want for me.”

“Would he want you to love someone else ?” Jean asked hesitantly.

“I think he would. This is Eren we are talking about, you know how he would’ve wanted a happy future for all of us. After all he said he did it all … for us.” She paused before saying, “and I’m sure he would be glad to see me fall in love … with someone like you."

Jean’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t expect her to be this honest and declare that she might love him, but he knew her too well based on all those years he spent by her side observing her behaviors and emotions, despite her awkwardness when it came to romance, Mikasa had always been a straightforward honest person. 

“Someone like me ?” He exclaimed.

Mikasa nervously laughed and blushed before saying “I meant… You.” 

“But Eren…” Jean couldn’t help but say that.

He got interrupted by Mikasa “Eren was my first love, and nothing will ever change this fact.” She looked up at the sky as if her eyes were searching for Eren before continuing, “but I’m living in the present, and I know what I feel…”. Mikasa returned her gaze back to Jean despite her urges of looking away before confessing her feelings, “I… I don’t love you like a friend… I don’t know if you feel the same way but…”

Jean’s face was now drawing closer to Mikasa’s, their lips were almost touching. Their hearts were beating so fast and it felt as if time has stopped. “Has he ever kissed someone ?”, Mikasa wondered. Being the solider she was, she has never kissed anyone before, even after her travels after the war ended. She wasn’t sure if it was as magical and beautiful as people pretend for it to be. 

But Jean kissed her and all her doubts were dispelled. Her mind became foggy and her thoughts flew away, nothing would distract her from this moment not even the faces of her dead family and friends, not the nightmarish past either. It was a warm, sweet feeling seeping in through her soul, lighting up her whole body alive. They broke off the kiss at the same time both being awkward and unsure at first, but Mikasa thought that first kiss wasn’t that bad. 

“We could try it again sometime”, Jean said in a light joking manner in an attempt to lighten up the situation’s awkwardness. They both had been through a lot for romance to come as easily to them as it comes for others. Still their primal urges as humans seeking affection and comfort through love has not faded away with all the blood and weaponry. 

Mikasa laughed and rested her head on his shoulder. That closeness that still feels foreign to her yet fills her up with much needed comfort and ease. She sniffed in Jean’s scent that had recently been an anchor to her rumbling emotions and fell asleep on the grass that night. A sleep uninterrupted by nightmares of a painful past and numerous valuable losses. She felt Jeans’s warmth surround her as she dove deeper in her sleep.

And this time there was no tomorrow in which she would leave. And that fresh smell of laundry never faded away. With Jean’s warmth always finger tips away for her to reach for whenever she needed to.


End file.
